Im scared...
... to death for the first time in my life when it comes to a girl. Im so scared because all of the bad things that have happened before in my life. Scared to hurt this girl and to get hurt my self. Its difficult when all these intence feelings shows up again and you dont know if its for real this time or just another tale that will be forgotten.
Im scared because she has ment so much to me before and still does. Im acting like a 15 year old boy when I talk to her, cant help it. But when that boy goes away there I stand with both feet in the grown up world with all my thoughts. Im so finnished with having relationships that wont go anywhere. To put your heart out there time after time and still end up in tears. Well yes I know that every relationship needs work, but sometimes you just want it to be perfect, or close to it. I just want to be that one, the one that you treat with respect allways to be loved and just work for it for life. I just cant take more of those lost cases of tries. I want this, if we decide to be a couple. I want it to be for real no looking back and think about all the old stuff, just look forward and see what we have ahead of us. This scares me so much because I cant read into the futuer, I cant see whats going to happen or if this is going to be something solid. I hope it will be when we decide what to do. It feels that way, but I dont want to get my hopes up.
Me being scared can result in me turning off my feelings and stop showing how much I care and just be the one to ruin it all. I want to be strong this time and fight, fight not to shut them off and keep it up, say everything I think, thoughts, be a good boyfriend, be a good lover and specialy a good listener and to allways be there and to care. Im done shutting things off. Gah Im frustrated because its hard to put words on things you really feel. A little chaos with some strange order. Ha ha.
Well I care about you a lot and the last thing I want to do is to let you down, yet again. Im here this time for real. Hope we can make it special and make it into the history books.
// F
