En resa framåt

It was some time ago I wrote on my blog. But hey Im here just have had a lot of things to do. New stuff to think about and to handle. Yeah good things. And happy things that just makes life a little bit better.

Hey you know who you are. You know that through all these years you have allways been there, we have allways been there but never given eachother a fair chance. Now I hope its time to do that. Well after Ive talked to you, seen you again and felt your presence, I cant be without you and I dont even know how Ive been without you for all this time. You have made me open my eyes again, and to put my heart out there for yet another gamble. But the thing is with you, that it doesnt feel like a gamble to me. We are so much alike, we laugh at the same things. I just love the energy you have around you, your smile and your touch. I just love your mind and the fact that you are one of the most intelligent persons I know. How can you like this man? Well I dont know, the only thing I do know is that Im a bit scared but in a good way, is this it, have we waited for all these years just to figure out that we belong? I dont know, but hey lady faith please let it be true, dont put me on yet antother trip that ends up in missery, I care about this girl to much to let it end that way.

And I couldnt feel this way without my wonderfull friends that have been my support, that have talked to me day in and day out, to make me the one I am today. Ive grown to be stronger, to have more faith in my self, not to rely on others.

// F

I cant stand it no more. I cant sleep at all anymore. Not even pills help me to sleep. This town, this flat is just full of so much negative energy and dont know what to do to get rid of it. It follows me, in my time awake, when I sleep, when I dream. Cant get rid of thoughts or clear them out of my head. Why, I just want to find peace. I go out on my daily runs and for what, to see every damn place that reminds me of failure in life. Why I ask my self sometimes, did I move down south in the first place. Even though I know that everything that has happened since then have made me a stronger person. But hey am I the only one that sometimes have the wish that some of the things youve experienced you could live without?

Well soon time for bed, again. And each day I go without sleep I stay up longer and longer just to avoid to lay down in it. Im looking at my bed and I just wish every night, please please let me sleep. I need it so bad. But I cant do nothing about it. I just need someone to hold me close at night. I need to feel loved and to share that beautiful thing with someone special. Well with time it will come I know and Im certainly not in a hurry from my last experience.

//F

"Well I know the words, but I cant really speak them To you

And I hide all the pain that Ive gained with my wisdom From you

And Im eaten alive, by what I hold inside All the things that I live with I cant easily hide And Im left here with nothing, nothing to live for But you

Its not easy to hide All this damage inside Ill carry you with me Until Im not alive

When you look at my face, does it seem just as ugly? To you?

I cant seem to erase all the scars I have lived with From you

Im so sick of this place This taste in my mouth Cause of you I cant figure what Im all about And Im left here with nothing, nothing to live for But you

Its not easy to hide All this damage inside Ill carry you with me til Im not alive"

I get it.... no need to explain how you felt, you arent alone.

... leeches. You know one thing. No matter how much you drain us from energy, how much you use us, we still are going to be the great persons we are.

Things change and even the best of us can feel down and need to be given some thought. We are strong, but sometimes we also need help from others. We might care and listen and be there when ever you need. But we need it too. So for all of you so called "friends", We could also use a hug and hear those words that have been told to many of you so many times. Dont forget that.

So to all you leeches, that take energy, I hope you one day wake up and realize that you have been given much and that its time for you to give back.

// F

... is when thoughts get born, when thoughts just makes you smile or when they get stuck and heavy. When you feel your head just rush through all of your life without a goal. Its refreshing but can also be extreamly hard to handle. When you feel so much mixed things about your life. Resent things that comes up or new things that just gives you light..

... I look into your eyes and you make me happy. Just by the look of your unspoken thoughts that speak to me without you saying a word. Energies that spreads around, like little memory dust that gives me time and space to rest my mind. Like that little island out in the sea, full of peace and warmth, time for thoughts time for that special feeling inside, when you can cry feel the tears roll down your face and just feeling that relief. When I look at you, you are that place were I can be that little boy, or just as great as I can be. You give me some strange peace that keeps me company in my little world all alone. Never let go never think back, you, yeah you, you give me hope...

Time to get some rest, yeah rest, because I cant sleep at all. Not much anyways. My nights and days just keep geting longer and longer. I need that peace now.

Good Night people...

// F






and to you my special little energy... Im allways watching, and caring about you.

... that life is never easy. You think you have the grasp of life when it hits you in the back of your head. Not the things that have made you angry or sad, just that the decisions you have to make for your own future aren´t that easy. To move or not to move, to move out of the country or just stay? It seems easy for many people, but I need a firm ground to stand on not that unsertain future many people like. Yes I sound like a bore but its just that I want sertain things in life, like family, a house or anything that you can build on. Im to old to play catch ;) well not really but almost.

Never  mind. Well today Im on my way back to sweden after a week of fun in Amsterdam. Gonna need the rest when I get back home, and some more money too. Gonna miss the people that Ive met here and the way you interact with others. So different so much more relaxed. The thing that I love here is that if you meat someone you get introduced by your friend, in Sweden that never happens, or almost never. Thats just good manners. Gonna miss the open way that people have here.

Oh and well the rest of my life is like a little chaos that Im trying to figure out. Well feelings here and there and just need a firm ground to stand on I guess. Well seems that Im not making any sence of what Im trying to say, so time to round of todays writing and try to be productive instead.

// F

I think of you every second.... not you but you ;)

Hey just having a great time in Amsterdam. Long nights and a couple of beers. Well today we are
going to walk the town. Queensday so loads of people in the city. Well we were out on Queensnight
last night and it was fun. Had beer and me and my friend were at his girlfriends place in the redlight
district. So from there we walked into the night and well met up with the nightlife of Amsterdam.

Feels good to be away from that town, Jönköping, and well this makes me even more sure that
I wont stay there for the fall no matter what. So really hoping to get into the University later this year.
Cant wait. And If I dont Im moving over here to work.

I miss some people online atm, but just wanted to say Im thinking of you all, the ones I call my real
friends. So dont think you are forgotten :D


// F

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
but If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I

Tears streaming down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones



I am....

... just wanna scream my head off. Dont stop me. Let me, let me scream tonight, because I cant take it no more. Some of my thoughts that twists my reality. Im angry, angry at life that has made this path for me. Its just to much for me to handle. Life sometimes laugh at me. Ill try not to hear, but its to late I hear it I can hear it....


Just some thoughts and how I can feel inside. Im not so happy because life sets me in some strange paths that I cant rule over. Its just the way it is. What to do, what to say are the constant question in my life.

//F

p.s E... you are my lucky angel d.s

... at my empty bed and see no one. I see a place where I cant get any sleep at all. I see a bed thats just telling me "dont lay here untill you have your special one here". I can feel it to the bone when I go to bed. When I hug the damn pillow so f..king hard wishing it was someone instead of this ball of feathers that I make it to be. I can be happy all day long and when I take my body to bed I just feel so damn alone. I cant live like this. It hurts me from within and I wish every night that I could wake up to someone that actually cares about ME, like I care about them. I need those hugs at night so bad, I need to feel loved, I dont know why. It just eats me up inside when I think of it. Its everything to feel needed. I wish I had a family of my own.. I wish wish wish...... all the time.

... things to do. I just booked my flight to Amsterdam and going to stay there for almost a week. So quensday here I come. Its going to be some awsome fun and loads of beer and some laughs with new people. Im really looking forward to this now and well not that long untill Im on the flight to Amsterdam. Tuseday next week Ill just make my way over.

On monday I might get over to Gothenburg and visit an old friend aswell.


It seems that Franci is going roadtrip. Going to be loads of fun this summer. Then in June im going to England to se and visit some online friends. And that Im really really looking forward to, and there are people coming from Sweden, Norway, England ofc, Italy and Holland I think.

Time to live my life again and im living it.

// F

Some people just amaze me sometimes. They do things, small things, that just makes you so happy. This little cuddly panda bear with the heart on his lap, was sent to me by one of my very very best of friends. She made it to me on msn, you know that little drawing thing you can use, and I just got so happy and didnt know what to say. Well I just love her to pieces. She just has this thing as a humanbeeing, its called charisma and one big heart to go with it. I know that when she reads this she is going to say "awww no im not", but you are and you cant take away what I think of you.

And its just the little things that matter really, not a bunch of roses or a dinner out, but these things. Like the little drawing that makes people special. They take their time to think and do something that comes from their hearts. A dinner out or some roses you can do anytime. I just wanted to show my appreciation by writing this blog, and show people that actually read this, what a wonderfull thing it is to recive the small things. People should think about this more often, do those litle gestures that will make your special one, your neighbour, your parents or just anyone get that smile on their faces and feel happiness that someone thinks and cares for them.

with much love....

// F

Oh went for a long walk today, my knees are a bit sore after three days of running. So had a day of from working out. So took my digi and went out for a photo session of Jönköping. Its such a beautifull city actually, its a shame that I have to many bad memories here. Well a day, or morning like this I didnt mind and just enjoyed my little adventure. Talked to some old guys at our little harbour and told them I was taking pictures for my friend that lives in England. They thought it was a great idea to show what a beautifull city Jönköping is. So walked my way through town and took some pictures and filmed a bit.

On my way home I stoped to buy some chineese takeout, mmmm yum yum. Then back to the beach her in Jönköping for some special assignment I made for my self. Not gonna tell what it is since its a little secret and a bit childish, but cute thing to do. So came home and well here I am had a great lunch and been making plans.

Well just talked to my friend Magnus that lives in amsterdam and I might go for a visit to queensday over there. Party party. I need that time away from here. So going to be fun, if I can spare the money the ticket is going to cost me.

Also been having fun with my online friend Emily and having a laugh, we allways do have a great time talking to eachother. She is my little wow nerd with that big great heart of her. I cant live a day online without talking to her.

Im missing my old friend Jennie that lives in Luleå though. We allways have such good talks and we have know eachother for ages. Well when I was up there I met her again and havent seen her for a very very long time. So we had a lot of catching up to do and she is still that fresh breeze that just swoops you away. A woman with great energy and we have allways clicked as friends. But god I miss her a lot now when Im back here. I appreciate her support aswell and Im happy to be her friend.

And never the least I allways allways miss my family very much. Happy for my brother that has gotten a job, and he has been unemployed for a very long time. So happy happy happy. And I know he is going to do a great job at his new job.

Well it was supposed to be a short blog but, hey what do I know. I just keep on going when I get the speed up.

// F

The world today is such a wicked thing
Fighting going on between the human race
People give good wishes to all their friends
While people just across the sea are counting the dead

A politician's job they say is very high
For he has to choose who's got to go and die
They can put a man on the moon quite easy
while people here on earth are dying of old diseases

A woman goes to work every day after day
She just goes to work just to earn her pay
Child sitting crying by a life that's harder
he doesn't even know who is his father

Black Sabbath

Well its a new day and today is the day, well to get my car approved to be able to drive it again. Had to fix it yesterday and well not as expensive as i thought.

On my way from Jönköping aswell. Just can´t live in a town that has given me so much bad memories. So I have new plans in my life and I just have to follow them. I´ve applied to the univestiy in Gothenburg and I hope to get it, because I really don´t want to stay here. Jönköping has become like a big infected wound that just hurts me everytime I wake up. I can´t sleep or think as positive as I´m used to when im here. I just came back from my parents in Luleå, though I don´t wanna move back there I could sleep and feel a sertain calm. Here I´m just in constant struggle with my troubled past.

So if I don´t get into the universtity, I´m seeking for work in another country and I have serious plans to make it happen. So working on my CV even though it´s going slow I´m determined to make that happen also. You just have to have faith that you can do it, and I´m full of hope and faith at the moment. So I will make things happen, I´m not the slave of my own troubled self anymore. Ahead ahead I tell my self every day.

And hey I can be dramatic with my lyrics or poems but it´s the best way to get things out of your chest. I just love to put paint on the words with my images of my own imagination. I´m strange, I´m normal, I´m everything you want. Not just an emtpy mindless shell on the street that follows the mass...

// F

Good friends are stronger then love, you will notice the day you loose one...

"There is no time for that rain in my face
Im trying to find my place in this world
Its a constant struggle against wind and pain
But like a mindless machine I just keep going on
Im just want to find the cause to be that one the special
one in the life of another
I can´t be alone it hurts my soul it shatters within
I have only faith to trust to finally hold you in my arms one day.
A wish I make every night before I sleep
to hope lady faith will hear my call I fall asleep 
 dreamless and wishing you were by my side."


Ive just discoverd that life isnt easy to live, but you can take controll of it if you just want to. Ive done just that and found that life is more then just passion its about that special smile that feeling you get in the spring, when you fill your lungs with air. Life is wonderfull even though you exeprience a lot of unesassary pain, betraly and sorrow. You have to keep living through those things to get a better grasp of life, to become complete in your mission in life. Ive just done that again, and Ive also chosen to cut bad things out of my life. I have no place or space to keep people that have hurt me in my life. You were special, now you are just another person walking down the street...


// F

p.s E thank you for all your support and your loving heart that has given me so much d.s

Hey dear blogg. Well Im going to start to blogg in english because all of my non swedish friends.

The blogg today im going to dedicate to one of my best online friends that has helped me so much
during the last few weeks.

When you need friends the most you actually see who are and who arent your real freinds. When all
the crap whent down only a few stood by my side. Those are the once that you can call friends. As
I probalby said before Im done withe all the leaches, those friends that just talk and talk about them
selfs and when you need them and you need to have a talk because you feel bad, they just continue
to talk about their problems, their affairs and so on. So after all of this there are a some that I called my 
friends that no longer are. You dont deserve my attention or my help when you feel bad anymore.

So to the one that has helped me so much.  You are one of the most loving and caring person I met.
You have been by my side to hear it all. You have never let me down and you have allways taken the time
to listen to everything. You have never let me down. Day after day we have talked about things, when ever
I felt bad Ive sent you a text and you have allways replied. You have been there for me more then many
of my so called in real life friends. You managed to put a smile back on my face. So for all of this im
greatfull. Thank you Emily. You deserve the best in life and you will allways have my guardian angels
to watch over you. I will allways be there for you too.

To mention is that  I dont forget my real life friends that have been there for me. And most of all
you Jimmy.

Lots of love to everyone that cares.

/ F

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along



You used me and sucked me dry, all you left behind was an empty shell...